its in two weeks no joke, what am I doing I feel like an idiot its my last chance this year to get into Tanglewood what the hell am I doing…I told myself I’d start preparing in October…what a laugh. I think I’m so relaxed beceause this is what my third time auditioning for tanglewood? I need to work more but…too much to do. I know I have to first of all get APUSH out of the way, outlines I mean, then get the English book out of the way…I think I can’t really concentrate on practicing because my clarinet is broken and I get distracted when my clarinet is broken I just do, I seriously need stuart to come fix my clarinet, I really should call RDG five weeks before I know I need my clarinet fixed I always call two weeks before and they never have time….

too much to do but all i want to do is lay on my couch, sleep, talk with my mom about nonsense and listen to her repeat stories over and over again and just watch t.v…

I want to practice but whats this wall preventing me from being just as good as him?

i sound like i need some music therapy talk with mr a or stuart

but i know they’ll tell me to cool down, and stop looking at other people around me…but sometimes i have to.

i’m happy don’t get me wrong but I just wish it could’ve paid off more, I’ve been working on the concertino since may or something thats so many months and yet i screw up time and time again.

What do you think? I’m tired its midnight I just put it together…I couldn’t find the perfect pastel pink heels to go with it…so I got white ones…
now if only I owned this all, money is an evil thing. Voltaire must be laughing at all of us.

I went christmas shoppin’ today i still have alot more I need to buy for teachers and people… and honestly why can’t I find a man scarf?! I mean if I find one its way too expensive or something..it can’t be a sign can it?

Tanglewood auditon is around the corner, I want to get in so I could go to boston in the summer, how nice would that be? Extremely nice…What with playing Daphnis et chloe and seiji ozawa conducting what more can you ask for? I have to spend my winter break contacting clarinet professors all over and just talking to them..I don’t know how to handle it. I want to sleep but why can’t I find anything on champagne-ardenne’s life style, I just want to assume they all walk around witha bottle of champagne hiccuping becuase they are drunk. I want a marc jacobs bag, no a clutch, no just a casual bag that can hold alot but not some huge bag…I want to shop…I just want gift cards or a visa gift card so i could shop…i need a belt, i liked that belt i saw at j crew…i’m rambling…and i really should watch fashion week..from ages ago…or whenever…i hate junior year, even without a science class i’m about ready to run away.

I dread friday, I can’t believe it, why am I even doing this, why am I even telling him. Its no use, can’t I slap the boy? It would make things better, I hate this dilemma.

oh and i’m really thinking about interlochen for senior year, i know it seems rash but my friend says that alot of students go to interlochen for hs their senior year (so much for being a transcendentalist…followin’ the crowd..) for those of you who don’t know (pfft who reads this?) its a boarding arts high school..but its very very famous and has many connections…but why does HE want me to go, it gets me some what suspicious, I hope he doesn’t like me, i’m way over him

and I’m about ready to crash.

“Tell me, what is weber saying, what are you saying when you play this?”

I stammered a little, and I recalled how I always thought this piece was sad and filled with melancholy. And then I realized what weber was trying to say; he loved heroism, his pieces are the cheesiest pieces out there, and so I said, “its like an opera”.

It really is, that Bb that just creeps up, I could hear a girl singing it. Its haunting like an opera. He then asked me, “whats going on in this scene?” and I said, “someones saying good bye to their lover”

it really sounds like it, I could hear each word in my head when I play it, “No, please don’t leave me, I love you” and the guy turns around, and guys are usually percieved as strong and rambunctious , he says to her that he must leave her. But she responds, close to tears, crying, “but I love you”

I could write it out…but I want to keep it for myself everytime i play…i know how to sing :].

and its times, these situations that get me confused and caught up in music, what am I to do? it still is unclear…

to have curly hair and style like this when I’m older.

I know I should practice just because its arcadia week and I signed up for all state recordings before i decided to quit and I can’t tell mr. a this week because, well, its arcadia week. I won’t go down without a fight, just because.

I’m still confused, stuart reminds me of a silly 15 year old I know, just slightly…I called him yesterday about the whole musician thing to tell him i’m quitting, no reply, except for a facebook invite to go to LACMA to see him perform. weird hm?

I’ve been doing AP EURO for two hours…oh i mean APUSH, I love AP EURO too much I really want to go back to it. Going to start math…sigh, I’m irritated. getting fat because I’m can’t stop eating I don’t know what else to do i’m stressed. I want to quit but I don’t. A minor part in me tells me maybe i’m trying to quit to get attention and hear good things about myself. thing is, whatevers thinking that in my head is wrong, theres nothing good for me or anyone else if I continue.

its all futile.

I want to slap you tell you you’re a jerk, you’re so stupid and to stop looking at those black and white keys and talking to whoever and just hear me out once and listen when i say i like you. then I’ll slap you and walk away because you’re so silly. I thought you liked to help people too, I needed help, I need help, what this silent shit you give me?
and on friday when you walk in while i’m crying to mr. a about how badly I want to quit, you come in you don’t say a word to me and you just stand there, what were you there for? to smirk at me while i cried? you don’t say a word to me, I seriously needed help and I thought more than anyone else in the world you could’ve helped me.

How embarrassing for me, it really is, you don’t know how embarrassing it is for me to beg for you to help me clear my mind about being a musician.

then that chick, she says first she’ll take you out to get korean food, then she says nevermind fine we’ll get boba then if you get an A (in trig, i know this because my friend told me she talks to him…in trig…)

i’m sorry but WE were going to get boba. you forgot, fuck it you know?

i don’t understand, saturday, especially towards the end was fine, we had fun and were talking…so why?

its not worth the pain…and yet i just feel pain, needles prickling my skin, hot tears searing my eyes god dammit i sound like severus snape

i need to tell you that i like you, to get this over with, you’re hurting me and I need to get this over with.

and music…music feels like its pulling me apart, turning me inside out. I thought I wanted it…but i don’t know if I do anymore.

People tell me to get over being rejected by every youth orchestra, to try harder next time. Every rejection letter I get says that they hope i do well in my musical endeavors in the future. Not once have I ever done “well”. I try my hardest I practice I slow practice i sacrifice and I don’t get anything.

People tell me to relax and enjoy myself people tell me not to worry, but they say that because they don’t realize I don’t just have raw talent like them. I can’t go to the piano and play stravinsky without a moments notice and sound amazing even though I wasn’t prepared. I can’t be that, I have to work months before I can do that, years even. They don’t realize how hard it is for me, I work hard, extremely hard and its really painful to realize how fruitless it all is.

I can’t not stop noticing the people around me, I feel like I’m stuck in a cage. and a friend of mine really brought out these feelings when he spoke about how he felt like that too, working hard and never getting what he wants, what he deserves. I feel like an animal watching people outside do things I should be able to do, that I have the right to do. That I could do better then them, but I just get shoved in this cage and have to watch them be “better” than me. My heart twists and turns.

I quit, I quit I can’t take it anymore, i was given so many signs to quit and why did I ignore it? i should’ve quit after PSYO.

I haven’t updated in a while…
I have this bittersweet feeling in me about everything. Music, friends, family, life, school. Its hillarious this poster sums up just how I feel, I feel like I’m sitting down watching my life pass me by. I try to get up but I can’t.

He is giving me a headache, he is so sweet to me and sometimes i don’t think he is. The moment I turn my back he turns me around. I feel like I’m spinning, he makes me so dizzy. All I want to do is talk to him. I feel like an idiot, a complete idiot…

and music, somethings going wrong, I don’t know whats going on. I want to do it but I don’t…for some reason I want to just audition for curtis right now and if I get in I leave, if I don’t I laugh and learn. why can’t I? I don’t like whats going on right now…

am I ever going to make people laugh and cry so hard and text me so often that I’ll become annoyed? all I know is that until then…

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i’m thinking of going back to blogspot…

for the sake of two friends ;D

I feel like I’m staring out of a cage looking at others. You never let me out, I’m never free to fully express myself. I’m so restrained in this space you give me. I want you to unlock the cage and let me fly free, I feel exasperated.’

wouldn’t it be better if you just opened the cage? I would be free, I would be happy, I wouldn’t have to rebel, to work so hard.

my mum demands that I quit the mozart festival.

different parts are beginning to be heard, and I’m just so surprised! I used to not really like Bolero…but now I do.

my competition is this week, I want to throw all my homework in practice

if i had an A in every class I would do that, what an easy week it would have been…

i’m really stupid i’m worrying over socializing with him more so than my competition, some musician I am hm?