Happiness does feel temporary at times to me. I was so happy to be accepted into all southern, to be the only clarinetist again (okay not really nick got in but he’s in symphonic band no where near to first chair and i’m in wind ensemble SAY WHAT?!) in all southern from dbhs…but looking upon the list i see my fellow clarinetist I’ve known since eighth grade to be holding the principal chair of the orchestra as a junior. I really wish I could’ve gone back and showed him some respect i really didn’t back in all southern in eighth grade, I mean i crinkled my nose everytime he played his solo, I assumed he would be at the same caliber of playing with me last year and perhaps although he got principal chair in PSYWE i would’ve been co-principal…How wrong am I? I’m 10 chairs away from where he is, third chair of the third clarinets while he’s in orchestra and being first chair! Wasn’t that where i was supposed to be at this point and time? I am more so disappointed with myself, I had aspired to be places and I’m not there and its just frustrating on myself i am proud with where i am because atleast I’m moving in the right direction,but I’m not at the exact spot i want to be in. Its something I don’t understand I have ben as my teacher whom college students would kill to be taught by, i had stuart helping me along too, I have the greatest teachers, my friend here is taught by a recent ucla graduate, what does that say to you? People say I shouldn’t be so bothered by natural talent but I just don’t have natural talent I wish I did. He is the kind of guy who you know will get into curtis or tanglewood the places you boggle your mind over while its just cake walk for them…
I want to practice but whats this wall preventing me from being just as good as him?
i sound like i need some music therapy talk with mr a or stuart
but i know they’ll tell me to cool down, and stop looking at other people around me…but sometimes i have to.
i’m happy don’t get me wrong but I just wish it could’ve paid off more, I’ve been working on the concertino since may or something thats so many months and yet i screw up time and time again.
