late night and frights

grannie’s pearls by xLePanda featuring TopShop dresses

Items in this set:
Sequin And Lace Dress, 55 GBP
Amazon.com: Classic Pointed Toe Matte Pump. Available in 7 Colors:…, $36
URBAN PEARL NECKLACE, 240 GBP
Opaque White Tights
Red Lipstick Smudge | royalty free images #12400847 | Pixmac, $3.95

What do you think? I’m tired its midnight I just put it together…I couldn’t find the perfect pastel pink heels to go with it…so I got white ones…
now if only I owned this all, money is an evil thing. Voltaire must be laughing at all of us.

I went christmas shoppin’ today i still have alot more I need to buy for teachers and people… and honestly why can’t I find a man scarf?! I mean if I find one its way too expensive or something..it can’t be a sign can it?

Tanglewood auditon is around the corner, I want to get in so I could go to boston in the summer, how nice would that be? Extremely nice…What with playing Daphnis et chloe and seiji ozawa conducting what more can you ask for? I have to spend my winter break contacting clarinet professors all over and just talking to them..I don’t know how to handle it. I want to sleep but why can’t I find anything on champagne-ardenne’s life style, I just want to assume they all walk around witha bottle of champagne hiccuping becuase they are drunk. I want a marc jacobs bag, no a clutch, no just a casual bag that can hold alot but not some huge bag…I want to shop…I just want gift cards or a visa gift card so i could shop…i need a belt, i liked that belt i saw at j crew…i’m rambling…and i really should watch fashion week..from ages ago…or whenever…i hate junior year, even without a science class i’m about ready to run away.

I dread friday, I can’t believe it, why am I even doing this, why am I even telling him. Its no use, can’t I slap the boy? It would make things better, I hate this dilemma.

oh and i’m really thinking about interlochen for senior year, i know it seems rash but my friend says that alot of students go to interlochen for hs their senior year (so much for being a transcendentalist…followin’ the crowd..) for those of you who don’t know (pfft who reads this?) its a boarding arts high school..but its very very famous and has many connections…but why does HE want me to go, it gets me some what suspicious, I hope he doesn’t like me, i’m way over him

and I’m about ready to crash.

opera

I played the Weber Concertino in performing arts today, the teacher stopped me, saying I had everything right except I didn’t go past the page (we love transcendentalism!). He proceeded to ask me:

“Tell me, what is weber saying, what are you saying when you play this?”

I stammered a little, and I recalled how I always thought this piece was sad and filled with melancholy. And then I realized what weber was trying to say; he loved heroism, his pieces are the cheesiest pieces out there, and so I said, “its like an opera”.

It really is, that Bb that just creeps up, I could hear a girl singing it. Its haunting like an opera. He then asked me, “whats going on in this scene?” and I said, “someones saying good bye to their lover”

it really sounds like it, I could hear each word in my head when I play it, “No, please don’t leave me, I love you” and the guy turns around, and guys are usually percieved as strong and rambunctious , he says to her that he must leave her. But she responds, close to tears, crying, “but I love you”

I could write it out…but I want to keep it for myself everytime i play…i know how to sing :].

and its times, these situations that get me confused and caught up in music, what am I to do? it still is unclear…

j’espere….

to have curly hair and style like this when I’m older.

get better-mates of state

doing the exact opposite of that..music wise.

I know I should practice just because its arcadia week and I signed up for all state recordings before i decided to quit and I can’t tell mr. a this week because, well, its arcadia week. I won’t go down without a fight, just because.

I’m still confused, stuart reminds me of a silly 15 year old I know, just slightly…I called him yesterday about the whole musician thing to tell him i’m quitting, no reply, except for a facebook invite to go to LACMA to see him perform. weird hm?

I’ve been doing AP EURO for two hours…oh i mean APUSH, I love AP EURO too much I really want to go back to it. Going to start math…sigh, I’m irritated. getting fat because I’m can’t stop eating I don’t know what else to do i’m stressed. I want to quit but I don’t. A minor part in me tells me maybe i’m trying to quit to get attention and hear good things about myself. thing is, whatevers thinking that in my head is wrong, theres nothing good for me or anyone else if I continue.

its all futile.

and nothing goes right anymore

my head spins around and around, my feelings for everything are mixed and I just want to escape.

I want to slap you tell you you’re a jerk, you’re so stupid and to stop looking at those black and white keys and talking to whoever and just hear me out once and listen when i say i like you. then I’ll slap you and walk away because you’re so silly. I thought you liked to help people too, I needed help, I need help, what this silent shit you give me?
and on friday when you walk in while i’m crying to mr. a about how badly I want to quit, you come in you don’t say a word to me and you just stand there, what were you there for? to smirk at me while i cried? you don’t say a word to me, I seriously needed help and I thought more than anyone else in the world you could’ve helped me.

How embarrassing for me, it really is, you don’t know how embarrassing it is for me to beg for you to help me clear my mind about being a musician.

then that chick, she says first she’ll take you out to get korean food, then she says nevermind fine we’ll get boba then if you get an A (in trig, i know this because my friend told me she talks to him…in trig…)

i’m sorry but WE were going to get boba. you forgot, fuck it you know?

i don’t understand, saturday, especially towards the end was fine, we had fun and were talking…so why?

its not worth the pain…and yet i just feel pain, needles prickling my skin, hot tears searing my eyes god dammit i sound like severus snape

i need to tell you that i like you, to get this over with, you’re hurting me and I need to get this over with.

and music…music feels like its pulling me apart, turning me inside out. I thought I wanted it…but i don’t know if I do anymore.

People tell me to get over being rejected by every youth orchestra, to try harder next time. Every rejection letter I get says that they hope i do well in my musical endeavors in the future. Not once have I ever done “well”. I try my hardest I practice I slow practice i sacrifice and I don’t get anything.

People tell me to relax and enjoy myself people tell me not to worry, but they say that because they don’t realize I don’t just have raw talent like them. I can’t go to the piano and play stravinsky without a moments notice and sound amazing even though I wasn’t prepared. I can’t be that, I have to work months before I can do that, years even. They don’t realize how hard it is for me, I work hard, extremely hard and its really painful to realize how fruitless it all is.

I can’t not stop noticing the people around me, I feel like I’m stuck in a cage. and a friend of mine really brought out these feelings when he spoke about how he felt like that too, working hard and never getting what he wants, what he deserves. I feel like an animal watching people outside do things I should be able to do, that I have the right to do. That I could do better then them, but I just get shoved in this cage and have to watch them be “better” than me. My heart twists and turns.

I quit, I quit I can’t take it anymore, i was given so many signs to quit and why did I ignore it? i should’ve quit after PSYO.