BEACOUP

theres too much to do theres not enough time, how many times in a day have I wished to have an extra four more hours? Its very frustrating, I mean I have the APUSH project I’m just about at the finish line, but adding subtitles and the intro is two hours of my time. I have the french project awaiting me, which I predict will take four days or even more to do. A whole english book to read, I love the book but reading it under pressure is not fun. Two french packets to do, three APUSH outlines, Clarinet professors who better be expecting my call sometime soon, summer camp applications, and OH MY MOZART…tanglewood audition…

its in two weeks no joke, what am I doing I feel like an idiot its my last chance this year to get into Tanglewood what the hell am I doing…I told myself I’d start preparing in October…what a laugh. I think I’m so relaxed beceause this is what my third time auditioning for tanglewood? I need to work more but…too much to do. I know I have to first of all get APUSH out of the way, outlines I mean, then get the English book out of the way…I think I can’t really concentrate on practicing because my clarinet is broken and I get distracted when my clarinet is broken I just do, I seriously need stuart to come fix my clarinet, I really should call RDG five weeks before I know I need my clarinet fixed I always call two weeks before and they never have time….

too much to do but all i want to do is lay on my couch, sleep, talk with my mom about nonsense and listen to her repeat stories over and over again and just watch t.v…

contemplating and wishing

Happiness does feel temporary at times to me. I was so happy to be accepted into all southern, to be the only clarinetist again (okay not really nick got in but he’s in symphonic band no where near to first chair and i’m in wind ensemble SAY WHAT?!) in all southern from dbhs…but looking upon the list i see my fellow clarinetist I’ve known since eighth grade to be holding the principal chair of the orchestra as a junior. I really wish I could’ve gone back and showed him some respect i really didn’t back in all southern in eighth grade, I mean i crinkled my nose everytime he played his solo, I assumed he would be at the same caliber of playing with me last year and perhaps although he got principal chair in PSYWE i would’ve been co-principal…How wrong am I? I’m 10 chairs away from where he is, third chair of the third clarinets while he’s in orchestra and being first chair! Wasn’t that where i was supposed to be at this point and time? I am more so disappointed with myself, I had aspired to be places and I’m not there and its just frustrating on myself i am proud with where i am because atleast I’m moving in the right direction,but I’m not at the exact spot i want to be in. Its something I don’t understand I have ben as my teacher whom college students would kill to be taught by, i had stuart helping me along too, I have the greatest teachers, my friend here is taught by a recent ucla graduate, what does that say to you? People say I shouldn’t be so bothered by natural talent but I just don’t have natural talent I wish I did. He is the kind of guy who you know will get into curtis or tanglewood the places you boggle your mind over while its just cake walk for them…

I want to practice but whats this wall preventing me from being just as good as him?

i sound like i need some music therapy talk with mr a or stuart

but i know they’ll tell me to cool down, and stop looking at other people around me…but sometimes i have to.

i’m happy don’t get me wrong but I just wish it could’ve paid off more, I’ve been working on the concertino since may or something thats so many months and yet i screw up time and time again.

late night and frights

grannie’s pearls by xLePanda featuring TopShop dresses

Items in this set:
Sequin And Lace Dress, 55 GBP
Amazon.com: Classic Pointed Toe Matte Pump. Available in 7 Colors:…, $36
URBAN PEARL NECKLACE, 240 GBP
Opaque White Tights
Red Lipstick Smudge | royalty free images #12400847 | Pixmac, $3.95

What do you think? I’m tired its midnight I just put it together…I couldn’t find the perfect pastel pink heels to go with it…so I got white ones…
now if only I owned this all, money is an evil thing. Voltaire must be laughing at all of us.

I went christmas shoppin’ today i still have alot more I need to buy for teachers and people… and honestly why can’t I find a man scarf?! I mean if I find one its way too expensive or something..it can’t be a sign can it?

Tanglewood auditon is around the corner, I want to get in so I could go to boston in the summer, how nice would that be? Extremely nice…What with playing Daphnis et chloe and seiji ozawa conducting what more can you ask for? I have to spend my winter break contacting clarinet professors all over and just talking to them..I don’t know how to handle it. I want to sleep but why can’t I find anything on champagne-ardenne’s life style, I just want to assume they all walk around witha bottle of champagne hiccuping becuase they are drunk. I want a marc jacobs bag, no a clutch, no just a casual bag that can hold alot but not some huge bag…I want to shop…I just want gift cards or a visa gift card so i could shop…i need a belt, i liked that belt i saw at j crew…i’m rambling…and i really should watch fashion week..from ages ago…or whenever…i hate junior year, even without a science class i’m about ready to run away.

I dread friday, I can’t believe it, why am I even doing this, why am I even telling him. Its no use, can’t I slap the boy? It would make things better, I hate this dilemma.

oh and i’m really thinking about interlochen for senior year, i know it seems rash but my friend says that alot of students go to interlochen for hs their senior year (so much for being a transcendentalist…followin’ the crowd..) for those of you who don’t know (pfft who reads this?) its a boarding arts high school..but its very very famous and has many connections…but why does HE want me to go, it gets me some what suspicious, I hope he doesn’t like me, i’m way over him

and I’m about ready to crash.

opera

I played the Weber Concertino in performing arts today, the teacher stopped me, saying I had everything right except I didn’t go past the page (we love transcendentalism!). He proceeded to ask me:

“Tell me, what is weber saying, what are you saying when you play this?”

I stammered a little, and I recalled how I always thought this piece was sad and filled with melancholy. And then I realized what weber was trying to say; he loved heroism, his pieces are the cheesiest pieces out there, and so I said, “its like an opera”.

It really is, that Bb that just creeps up, I could hear a girl singing it. Its haunting like an opera. He then asked me, “whats going on in this scene?” and I said, “someones saying good bye to their lover”

it really sounds like it, I could hear each word in my head when I play it, “No, please don’t leave me, I love you” and the guy turns around, and guys are usually percieved as strong and rambunctious , he says to her that he must leave her. But she responds, close to tears, crying, “but I love you”

I could write it out…but I want to keep it for myself everytime i play…i know how to sing :].

and its times, these situations that get me confused and caught up in music, what am I to do? it still is unclear…

j’espere….

to have curly hair and style like this when I’m older.